(The beginnings of a dope beat play in the background. TEACHER enters with a classroom full of students, ready to be victimized by JEN.)

TEACHER

Alright, class, remember that tomorrow is World Cultures Day, so I hope you’re all ready to set up your country’s booths with your yummy, yummy foods!

(The students cheer. JEN emerges from them, screaming.)

JEN

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

TEACHER

Jen? Jen, I – Jen! I appreciate your enthusiasm, but –

JEN

Brap brap brap brap!

(The dope beat goes ham. JEN raps with terrifying aggression; the classroom is destroyed in the process.)

JEN

YO, THERE’S A SHARK IN THE WATER, OUGHTTA GET OUTTA THE POOL

VIET DAUGHTER ‘BOUTTA BRING THE HOTTEST STAND TO THE SCHOOL

I TELL YA, OTHER BITCHES’ BOOTHS HAD BEST PREPARE FOR A BEATING

BECAUSE IT AIN’T WORLD CULTURES DAY UNTIL SOMEBODY IS BLEEDING

BEST PREPARE FOR MEAT-EATING, IT DON’T BEAR NO REPEATING

I’M SPEEDING DOWN THE LIST OF REASONS WHY MY FEAST IS LEADING

JEN / ENSEMBLE

GOT SOME CHICKEN / WHAT!

JEN / ENSEMBLE

PORK / WHAT!

JEN

AND YOU KNOW THAT I’M BEEFING

AND ‘EM SPRING ROLLS READY

WITH A BIT OF REHEATING

PICKLED VEGGIES ON THE SIDE, AND MILKY COFFEE ON THE ICE

TRY SOME RICE, FRIED OR WHITE AT NO ADDITIONAL PRICE

NOT ONLY THAT, GOT A BURNER STOVE AND CANS OF GAS

SO YOU CAN SLURP A BOWL OF PHO WHEN I’M THROUGH KICKING YO ASS

HO! SO, YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT SHOW

LEAVE YOUR DUMBASS PIEROGIES AT HOME

I DUNNO HOW THE FUCK YOU BURNED NACHOS

BUT YOU DID IT, NOW YOU’RE FINISHED ‘CAUSE THE DISHES I MADE ON MY OWN

With my mom's help.

She did the cooking.

I rolled the spring rolls.

Bitch.

VIETNAM PIMPIN’, YO, STOP YO BITCHIN’

I’M DISHING OUT THE DISHES AND YOU’RE RIPE FOR THE PICKIN’

WE ARE READY STEADY GO, TO GO INTERNATIONAL

AND WE’RE NEVER GOING SLOW, WE’RE VIETNAM PIMPIN’

(Jump to after school. JEN’S MOM is driving JEN home.)

JEN’S MOM

So tell me how you got detention.

JEN

Ms. Jones says I “destroyed” “the classroom” “with enthusiasm.” And “made gratuitous use of the B-word.”

JEN’S MOM

(stern) Jenny.

JEN

But it’s okay! She let me keep my booth for World Cultures Day! And tomorrow, we’ll see who’s giving who detention.

JEN’S MOM

That’s not how that works.

JEN

Did you start the chả giò?

(Projection: “in case you didn’t know: chả giò; a Vietnamese fried spring roll, usually pork”)

JEN’S MOM

(sigh) Yes, I finished them this morning.

JEN

Finished? But that means they won’t be fresh tomorrow. They’ll be in the fridge all night.

JEN’S MOM

Huh?

JEN

Whatever. It’s fine. What about the pickled vegetables?

JEN’S MOM

You want those too? Honey, that’s gonna take a whole day at least.

JEN

Why didn’t you start earlier?!

JEN’S MOM

I have work, Jenny!

JEN

At least tell me I’ll have the pho.

(Projection: “in case you didn’t know: phở; a Vietnamese soup consisting of broth, rice noodles called bánh phở, a few herbs, and meat, primarily made with either beef (phở bò) or chicken (phở gà)”)

JEN’S MOM

Of course! (gestures to grocery bag beside driver’s seat) I just came from the supermarket.

(JEN pulls a bag of broth powder from the bag.)

JEN

... instant... broth powder? I told everyone I was going to have authentic, slave-away-over-a-stove-for-eight-hours broth!

JEN’S MOM

It tastes the same.

JEN

No it doesn’t! You ruin everything, mom!

(JEN throws a tantrum. JEN’S MOM tries to calm her down.)

JEN’S MOM

Jen! Jennifer! I think you’re taking World Cultures Day a little too seriously. What do you even get from it?

JEN

The satisfaction of crushing my enemies. And a twenty-dollar gift card to McDonald’s.

JEN’S MOM

Jenny. I’ll take you to McDonald’s myself if that’s what you really want.

JEN

But that’s not it. The other kids make fun of me at lunchtime. They see me with leftover noodles, and they all have... Lunchables.

(Projection: “in case you didn’t know: Lunchables; how your parents tell you that they don’t love you”)

JEN’S MOM

(grimaces) Lunchables.

JEN

I just wanted to show them that our food is the best.