The thing about kids, you know, is that they say the darnedest things. So we decided to ask some of our favourite kids to guess the plots of some CanLit titles taken from our 100 Books To Read in a Lifetime list. And the results of this experiment are much hilariousness, some definite preoccupations (including death, animal noises, zombies and cannibals) and outright weirdness. You will never look at any of these titles in quite the same way again.
*****
Just Pretending, by Lisa Bird-Wilson
Harriet (7): It's about somebody who's pretending, playing a game with a friend and the friend does not like the game and the friend who does not like the game pretends for real that she is a witch and then she pretends again that she can turn her into a frog, so she has to be nice to her.
Ethan (5): A person who pretends and gets what he wants.
Pascal (5): He's just pretending to be a butterfly.
Aphra (6): About people who play a lot, and people think it's real and they’re like, "Just pretending."
Rowan (11): A book about a sister and a brother who like to dress up and pretend that they are in a different world. They imagine they are kings and queens. As they grow up, they don't play pretend as much, but they watch their kids play pretend.
Eria (7): Somebody finds a letter that is not signed and the person who's the most popular in the school says that it was theirs but it really wasn't and then they find several letters and they want to make themselves what the letter says so that they are for sure the person who the letter is about.
Abbey (4): People who pretend to have a car.
Garnet (5): One person pretends, and the other person gets scared, but they say "We're just pretending! It's not a real monster!"
Jasper (3): It's about playing.
**
Three Day Road, by Joseph Boyden
Owen (6): This person was going on a field trip but he realized the field trip was three days and he couldn't eat any food and he died.
Garnet (5): They walk on the road, and then they drive on the road, and then they take a taxi. Then they take a plane.
Iaen (4): An airplane crashes on the street and then a car crashes into it.
Harriet (7): It's a road that takes three days to get on. It goes to a hole.
Gavin (8): It's a book about a very long road that takes three days to walk along. Two kids try to walk it, but after an hour they go back to their house. They tell their mother that there's a really long road, but she doesn't believe them.
Tate (3): Cars and trucks were racing and they drove really fast but couldn't turn very good so they spun off the road.
Leo (6.75): You have to drive through the road for three days.
Georgia (5): That’s odd. There’s a girl named Bean Girl and she got killed. And when she got killed another person came up to the evil witch. Bean Girl couldn’t stop the evil witch. Bean Girl drank a potion and died too [again]. She got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend was named George.
Ruben (9): I think it’s set in the past and it’s some people going on a road trip and it’s three days long and bad things happen.
Ethan (5): A person who drives for three days and gets to the place he wants to.
Eliana (7): A road that this man loves to go to is open only on three days, and he doesn't go if he's rushing for work. And if he's late for work, his boss will get mad at him, so he has to get dressed quickly to go on the road to get to work because it's a really famous road and lots of cars are on the road.
Rowan (11): About a road trip that a family is going on and they go around a bit of Canada and see a lot of sights.
Beck (8): These people who go on a road trip for work and they go to Canada. It took three days.
Essie (7): A road that’s only been around for three days.
Jane (11): These teenagers that are driving in a truck and get lost and almost die a bunch of times and they don't and they make it back alive-ish (they're zombies).
Eleanor (4.75): Maybe a duck… The duck went across the road and the other duck crossed the road and the duck said to the other ducks, “Let’s go to the park.”
**
Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen
Noah (13): It's about nerds.
Tate (3): There were a bunch of really good runners but they lost a race and felt really bad and went home and watched TV.
Gavin (8): It's about people who play a lot of sports and even when they lose they are happy because they are proud that they had fun.
Eliana (7): About a girl and a boy who are slow and always lose races, but they're really beautiful and their moms and dad and classmates love and like them.
Harriet (7): So somebody who's beautiful loses a race and people are not very nice to the person who did not win the race and then the people who were not nice learn that it's not very nice to be mean.
Owen (6): These people, they are beautiful but when they play sports at gym they lose.
Lilia (4): It's about losing things, like chocolate.
Jane (11): A bunch of losers get a bunch of plastic surgeries and then their parents get mad at them so they get tattoos and start dating a bunch of people at the same time.
Rowan (11): A non-fiction book about good sportsmanship and poor sportsmanship. It tells you why it's wrong to be a bad sport.
**
The Sisters Brothers, by Patrick DeWitt
Rowan (11): A book about two siblings who grow up and get in a lot of fights. They don't like each other a lot.
Harriet (7): It's about a pair of sisters and then they both want to turn into brothers. They try to, and they succeed.
Owen (6): The sisters, their mom, has a bunch of babies and it's their brothers. And then all of the babies rule the world.
Iaen (4): A sister doesn't take care of the brother and the brother gets lost.
Molly (10): It’s about a big family and about the sisters who kind of go one way in their lives and the brothers go another way in their lives but then they meet again and like “sister, brother, yay."
Aphra (6): About sisters and brothers who fight a lot?
Eliana (7): Some sisters that have brothers, and their brothers are really crazy and silly.
Ethan (5): Sisters and brothers work together to do anything.
Eleanor (4.75): No I mean the sisters AND the brothers I want to say. The sister said to the brother, “Let’s get a new bunk bed.” So the bunk bed didn’t happen until when the sister remembered that we were gonna get a bunk bed on the next day, tomorrow. They thought they would get it today.
Eria (7): Two sisters and then the mother hopes to have a boy and instead of one boy they get twins.
Georgia (5): It’s about a girl that is a sister named Corn, and she loved corn. And there is a sister named Bean Girl and she could cook but couldn’t walk. Pumpkin Girl, the biggest, wisest sister, she readed, she holded the little sister to cook. The brother is named Bird Girl.
Jane (11): The sister is dating the brother's best friend, and then the brother and friend get mad at each other and then the girl stops living with her brother and ends up marrying his friend.
Gavin (8): A book about two sisters that have a lot of brothers who annoy them and make fun of them.
**
Fruit, by Brian Francis
Iris (3): Something like an apple, or movies, or monkeys.
Eleanor (4.75): The fruit man was in the fridge for ages being shivering in the fridge. He couldn’t get out because the door was closed. The door of the fridge opened so he could get out but suddenly it closed again. And then the fruit man just stayed in the fridge forever.
Ethan (5): A person who eats fruit and gets really strong.
Eria (7): They’re talking about all kinds of fruit and which animal eats them.
Owen (6): This person, he doesn't know what fruit is, and then he just eats it and he says "yummy!"
Iaen (4): Someone eats their fruit and they only have one small bite and they leave and they throw it out.
Christian (5): Someone eating a banana.
Gennavive (5): It's about fruit, silly!
Eliana (7): A kid that's explaining where fruits grows, on trees and in gardens and if they taste good or not and what color they are and what shape they are.
Harriet (7): It's about somebody imagining if they were a fruit in the fruit bowl and then at the end they found out that they're ripe and then they get eaten.
Abbey (4): Some people wanted to eat fruit, but they had to buy more, but then someone kept stealing it. But then they found the naughty fruit-stealer in the jungle and put him jail. He was a boy.
Aphra (6): Fruit!? About someone that loves fruit.
Garnet (5): I love fruit! It is about loving fruit.
Jane (11): A bunch of exotic fruits that are deadly and people have to save the world by eating them.
Beck (8): A recipe book that shows you how to make stuff with fruit.
**
Eating Dirt, by Charlotte Gill
Abby (4): A story about getting sick.
Gavin (8): It is about a kid who doesn't like to eat anything but dirt. He likes to eat dirt for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Harriet (7): Somebody is doing some gardening and then they come face to face with eating dirt.
Iris (3): Eating dirt is yucky.
Essie (7): Worms.
Lilia (4): Fairies.
Aphra (6): I think it’s about someone who things they’re eating chocolate but they’re actually eating dirt.
Eliana (7): A worm that one day eats dirt and discovers that it is actually really good.
Tate (3): She planted a flower and she kept eating dirt. Then the police came and took her to a special garden where they had dirt of lots of different flavours including lollipop flavour.
Ethan (5): A person who eats dirt and gets sick, and then someone cure him with broccoli.
Eleanor (4.75): A beaver eating dirt. The beaver had a very big, big, big cold from the soil.
Maia (8): A person who likes the taste of dirt.
Rowan (11): This is a book about a kid who mass-produces mud pies for worms.
Georgia (5): A girl eats dirt. They grow a flower in the dirt. They dig for more dirt. A lot more eating. Policeman: Why are you eating dirt? You should plant dirt.
Noah (13): A kid who is a runner, but there’s another team… and the kid has to eat their dirt for awhile before they can win.
Jane (11): A person that chokes on dirt and dies.
**
Earth and High Heaven, by Gwethalyn Graham
Harriet (7): I think it's about a scientist who is learning about the earth and then he or she discovers another scientist who is studying the sky.
Owen (6): There is earth and then the moon crashed into the earth and the earth died and went into heaven.
Aphra (6): About the earth and then an asteroid comes and crashes the earth.
Ethan (5): A person who goes out of earth and goes high heaven. They discover an alien, and just that happens.
Gavin (8): This is a book about a girl who wants to be an astronaut when she grows up and to see earth from high heaven.
Eliana (7): It is about kids that appreciate all the hard work that it took to make the world. And all of God's hard work.
Rowan (11): A book about religions and beliefs.
Jane (11): This guy lived on earth and committed suicide to go to heaven to see what it was like. And he sees all his friends and family and then his ex-girlfriend.
**
Come, Thou Tortoise, by Jessica Grant
Essie (7): Somebody wanting a tortoise to hurry up.
Noah (13): Old Yeller but like for a turtle. Old Yeller is the one with the dog, right?
Beck (8): About a tortoise that is really slow and can't really walk.
Harriet (7): I bet it's somebody calling a tortoise from a far distance.
Maia (8): It’s about a person who loves tortoises but the tortoise is always too scared of him.
Ethan (5): A person who really likes tortoises, and then she gets to touch one. And then she turns into one.
Owen (6): This person that tries to make this tortoise come but it just runs away.
Isaac (5): A turtle walking and then trips… a boy that had a turtle. Like the first book of Fly Guy but it’s like Turtle Guy.
Gavin (8): A book about a tortoise who is extraordinary in a lot of ways. He can walk really fast, and he can make hissing noises.
Rowan (11): It's a book about a kid who makes friends with a tortoise and they save the world.
Aphra (6): Someone who has a pet tortoise and it walked away and they want it to come back.
Georgia (5): Go to that turtle, gently pick it up, and float it in the sea.
Eria (7): A tortoise who does Kung Fu.
**
All My Friends Are Superheroes, by Andrew Kaufman
Lilia (4): Wonder Woman.
Rowan (11): A book about someone who doesn't have superpowers but helps her superhero friends. She has to do all the work at the base, and she never gets to do any superhero stuff. This makes her sad. One day, there is an accident in her lab and she gets superpowers. She gets power over electricity and helps her friends defeat their arch nemesis.
Aphra (6): About friends who build up a superhero team and they defeat evil spirits.
Harriet (7): I think it's about somebody who loves their friends and they just like them so much they want to call them superheroes.
Beck (8): About a kid with no friends at school, but he has four friends outside of school: Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, and Captain America.
Owen (5): So this guy, found a bunch of friends, and they were superheroes. He wanted to know what it was like to go to jail so he robbed a bank. And they came and arrested him and he died.
Charlie (4): Everyone is superheroes. All my friends fly. A bad guy comes. And then the bad guy gets closer. And the superheroes flew away.
Ethan (5): I like them so much and I love superheroes. So, superheroes, his friends save his life from an evil giant robot.
Christian (5): Wolverine, Batman, Robin, Superman are friends.
Gennavive (5): And Wonder Woman.
Eleanor (4.75): The friends of the superheroes were gonna save the air balloon because the hole in the air balloon made it didn’t fly. So the superheroes got the air balloon and they fixed the air balloon and they all flyed up.
Gavin (8): A book about a kid who gets bullied all the time. His friends stand up for him because he's being bullied and they like to help people.
Michal (14): In a world where everyone has superpowers, so most people can like fly, or have laser eyes, and it’s really cool, there’s one kid that doesn’t. And he has to face the struggles of being normal in a world where everyone else is AWESOME.
Jane (11): There's this guy whose brother is superman but he's dating Wonder Woman. His cousin is the Flash and his uncle is Wolverine and his adopted brother is Iron Man.
**
The Watch That Ends the Night, by Hugh MacLennan
Eria (7): A person finds a watch on the street, puts it on and it's the wrong time and they change it, but they don't realize it, but the watch controls the sun rising and setting.
Harriet (7): It's about a watch and an evil witch finds it and it brings daylight and the evil witch gets mad because it isn't going as she wants because she wants it to bring darkness, so she sets fire to the watch and then the watch is gold, and it does not break, and she turns it into darkness.
Beck (8): A guy who sees this weird ghost thingy that shoots a laser at the sky and it turns into morning.
Rowan (11): Fiction set in medieval times. It is set in a castle, and there is a watchtower. One of the guards in the tower gets ambushed and the castle gets raided. The residents of the castle have to run away.
Aphra (6): About someone watching in the night but then the night just ends and they never see the night again.
Eliana (7): It's about a magical watch that a little girl or boy wears, and whenever he or she doesn't want night anymore, the watch turns it to daytime.
Essie (7): I don’t know but it sounds scary.
**
Light Lifting, by Alexander MacLeod
Jasper (3): A crane.
Lilia (4): Flying.
Gavin (8): It is a book about a man who has to carry a lot of lights because his family wastes a lot of electricity and the light bulbs run out fast.
Rowan (11): A non-fiction book of advice on how to lift weights.
Aphra (6): About people who always wanted to lift a real light, like the sun, and once they went up there with dark sunglasses and they lifted the light.
Owen (6): Somebody was very weak so he lifted up a feather but he couldn't lift it, so he lifted a petal, but he couldn't lift, so he tried to lift air but he couldn't do it. Ha ha ha.
Charlie (4): A light is lifting up something, like a toy or a book or a box.
Garnet (5): Someone that lifts the light.
Eria (7): A person who is sad and he sees lights that looks like a smiling and it lifts his spirit.
Eleanor (4.75): When they were making a wall they lifted rocks and everything that they were gonna make a wall with. When they were gone they suddenly noticed that they were gonna make a tractor out of wood so they thought they were gonna do the tractor so they just went home.
**
Never Cry Wolf, by Farley Mowat
Pascal (5): Don't ever cry with a wolf because he could eat you.
Harriet (7): It's about an animal who meets a wolf and then they become friends and then the wolf cries because somebody in his family gets hurt and he's worried, and his friend just helps heal the person in the family who is hurt.
Eliana (7): It's about a boy who was pretending that a wolf was coming, and that the townspeople came to help him and he was like, "haha, just kidding." And he did it again, and all the townspeople came running, and he was joking again. And the next time a wolf actually came and when he cried for help, no one came to help him and then he got eaten by the wolf.
Ethan (5): A wolf who cries and then another wolf makes them better.
Lilia (4): Blowing houses down.
Eria (7): A wolf tries thousands of times to catch a little girl and fails and thinks "how can I not catch this little girl because she's so small and looks like she's so slow and so fat."
Christian (5): With the kid that cried and everyone came running but it was nothing so the second time he cried no one believed him even though it was actually a wolf for real life.
Leo (6.75): It's about a wolf that they don't want ever to cry.
Eleanor (4.75): The wolf was crying a-cause he lost his squeaky toy that he played with today so somebody just found a little squeak but it wasn’t it, it was just a mouse so the wolf caught the mouse and he ate it up. Then suddenly the wolf heard another squeak and then it was her squeaky toy! She throwed it around and she was happy.
Garnet (5): Waaaaaa! I'm a wolf! Waaaaaaaa!
Rowan (8): It's about a boy who is friends with a wolf and the wolf never cries. The boy tells him, "Never cry, wolf."
Owen (6): This guy he cried wolf and he kept on crying wolf and then a wolf came and jumped on him and ate his entire head. And then he died because he didn't have a head.
Abbey (4): The wolf cried all the time because the wolf is really hungry. And then the people came down and they said, "Hi, wanna eat with us for breakfast?" And the wolf said, "Sure. Do you have any food?" And they said "Yah," so they all had breakfast together.
Aphra (6): Of course. I know this easily. About someone who cried wolf a lot of times and they kept saying never cry wolf because one day you’ll get eaten by the wolf and we won’t believe you. And one day he did get eaten by the wolf. The end.
**
Who Do You Think You Are?, by Alice Munro
Ethan (5): I think I am a boy. I think I am a very good boy. And I like Star Wars a lot.
Georgia (5): I am Georgia. A nice girl.
Abbey (4): I'm Abbey and Abbey was all with her family who went for a hike and went to sleep.
Iris (3): It's about people who have to make a special circus show.
Jane (11): A bunch of New Yorkers who are trying to find out who they are.
Molly (10): It’s like two different ways. One is about teaching you about who you think you are… OR like a kid’s book about this guy walking on a street and stopping people, like “who are you? Who are YOU?”
Leo (6.75): People thinking they don't know who they are.
Eleanor (4.75): I’m an elephant. The elephant had a wart and the elephant had to go to the doctor to get some medicine. And that’s all.
Eria (7): Somebody who's angry and she's usually mean to people and someone did something which she said is not allowed and somebody else was being mean and saying who do you think you are.
Isaac (5): Somebody that didn’t know somebody’s name but they really want to know somebody’s name and he got really mad and he ran all the way to the dump and then he falled in and then the guy comes over and he says fine I’ll say your name and then he tells the other guy’s name and then that bear (his name is bear) and then he named him Bear Guy, and then Bear Guy got married with him.
Rowan (11): A non-fiction book about jobs and choices for what you want to be when you grow up.
Aphra (6): About someone crazy and their friend thinks, Who do you think you are, a maniac?
Harriet (7): It's a book about a person discovering who they are. They go out into the world and they look for who they really are and they meet someone who tells them who they really are, and then they find out that they're a person inside them.
Maia (8): It’s about a person who has a friend but nobody knows what he is because you can’t really see him. He’s kind of invisible.
Eliana (7): It's about a person explaining who they are, what they like, what they eat, and games that they play.
Lilia (4): Maybe it's about puzzles?
Noah (13): I think it’s either a book about “where did I come from” OR a dramatic book about people who find out that their past is not what they think it is.
Iaen (4): Someone doesn't let the other person get something and then they be mad and then they sit them on a time out.
**
In the Skin of a Lion, by Michael Ondaatje
Iris (3): Lions do roar: Arrrrgh.
Isaac (5): I think it’s like some kids go on a field trip and get shrinked into a lion and then they check it all out and then they fall out and a car on the street smushes them and then they fly into air and then go into the ocean and then they turn into algae partners and then after they fly back up and they go back into the bus and then they fall back into their bodies and they fall back into the bus. [Isaac's mother acknowledges that perhaps Isaac spends too much time watching The Magic School Bus.]
Aphra (6): About a lion who sheds fur but one of the times he sheds, it’s only skin.
Harriet (7): It's about a person who feels like a lion and has rage.
Eria (7): About what people would think a lion feels like on the inside. It might be scary on the outside, but the lion might want to be nice, not mean
Georgia (5): That’s disgusting. It’s about blood.
Ethan (5): Someone gets to go in a skin of a lion. And they get to help the lion.
Abbey (4): About the lion who is the king of the castle.
Iaen (4): A skin of a lion is very soft.
Christian (5): A lion who learns how to roar.
Eleanor (4.75): The lion had a bear and the lion didn’t notice that there was a bear right next to him. The baby bear said to the lion that, “You can play with me lion.” Nothing else.
Gennavive (5): A lion who combs his fur.
Jane (11): Someone who switches spots with a lion in life and the lion eats people and he or she discovers what it's like to be a lion.
Rowan (11): This is about a kid who grows up in the jungle with lions. He goes exploring one day and finds the human world. He doesn't understand their world and why they have so much pollution.
Maia (8): Somebody who has fur.
Pascal (5): He hurt his paw.
**
Whale Music, by Paul Quarrington
Beck (8): Just a book about music and the music that comes from whales.
Iris (3): From the beach and someone has a hat.
Gavin (8): It's about whales making music in the water and people like to come and listen to them make music.
Rowan (11): A book of fiction about talking whales who make music using their fins and drumming on the water.
Ethan (5): A whale who makes music.
Abbey (4): So the whale made music in the water, but he didn't share it with the others and the others told their mom and the mom made him share his music and then the whale went home and cried and went to bed.
Leo (6.75): A whale listening to music. [Leo then proceeds to act this out.]
Georgia (5): You know what the whales say? Whoo-oo-oo-oo.
Garnet (5): Boooooooooo! BoooooooooOOOOOOOOOO! [Whale sounds]
Christian (5): A whale who sings with his friends.
Eria (7): How whales communicate underwater because they can't talk and they communicate with calls to each other and each whale can recognize another whale by their call.
Gennavive (5): A whale who learns how to sing.
Eleanor (4.75): The whale was singing to the birds on the last day so when the whale goed home the birds heared the bubbling from the whale so the birds went under the water to get the whale to sing. And suddenly the whale disappeared. So then the birds didn’t find the whale.
Aphra (6): About someone who discovers a whale and then the whale plays its beautiful music.
Harriet (7): It's about a whale who wants to make music and he can't. (But he finds out how. [Can you put that sentence in brackets, please?])
Iaen (4): About a whale who calls another one by far away when it's lost.
Isaac (5): The whale is up in the air and in pieces and then it just sings music and plays the guitar.
Owen (6): I think it's a person who was singing and then the whale ate the person and then the whale was singing.
Jane (11): A shop that killed whales to make them as balloons and put musical things in them.
Lilia (4): Giraffes, because they're like whales.
**
The Hungry Ghosts, by Shyam Selvadurai
Jane (11): These ghosts that were really hungry and every time they ate something they'd get bigger and bigger. They starting eating pencils and erasers and they moved on to couches, cars, houses then ending up eating the entire city, earth, and galaxy.
Aphra (6): About ghosts that are really hungry and they eat human beings.
Abbey (4): The ghosts were trying to go in a house to eat something, but the door was locked so they went in the window and ate all the breakfast. When the people came downstairs they saw the ghost and the ghosts took them and put them in jail.
Charlie (4): Ghosts eating everything. And the ghost got sick because he was eating too much food.
Garnet (5): Ghosts eat people's brains in the middle of the night.
Harriet (7): It's about some ghosts who have been roaming around this house for like 100 years that nobody has moved into yet, and the ghosts starve because there is no food in the house.
Rowan (11): About a spirit world where ghosts live. There is a group of ghosts who want to go to the human world and take it over, but the lord of all the ghosts forbids them from doing so.
Ethan (5): Ghosts who eat people, and then someone gets them all back and kills the ghosts. It's not good to eat people. Seriously.
Leo (6.75): It's about ghosts that want to suck souls.
Eria (7): The ghosts eat souls and during the night they look around to see whose souls they should eat first and they find a boy or a girl and they think they look delicious, and decide to eat their soul, but they can't catch them, even though they're sleeping.
Owen (6): So this guy, he realized there was a ghost in his house, and when he came to have breakfast all the food was missing and when he went to sleep the ghost ate him
Eleanor (4.75): Like spooky ghosts? The ghost said to the other hungry ghosts let’s get some food from the bakery so they goed to the bakery so quietly nobody saw them because they just were white and they goed to the bakery and got some cakes and pies and they ate them up somewhere on the bench then they goed to the park to eat their pies.
Gavin (8): It is a book about a town where ghosts come out at night and they're always hungry. The ghosts sleep all day, but they take over the town at night. The people only have control of the town during the day.
**
Lemon, by Cordelia Strube
Iris (3): It's about Shopkins.
Charlie (4): A boy eating a lemon. And then he goes outside and plays at the park.
Harriet (7): It's about how it feels to be as sour as a lemon.
Ethan (5): A person who eats a lemon and gets really I don't know..
Aphra (6): About a lemon that’s alive and he goes around playing with other fruits that are alive.
Owen (6): This guy eats a lemon and it tasted really good to him so he ate a bunch but then one was sour and he started crying. And then he died.
Jane (11): These kids and they started a lemonade stand and when it was over they dropped a lemon in a puddle and it evaporated into the air and it started raining lemon juice and everyone's eyes burned.
Michal (14): It’s about three kids who run a lemonade stand and eventually they manage to get another lemonade stand and before you know it they have their own lemonade stand and they’re too young for this so they have trouble with the corrupt lemonade industry and the evil Lemon Corp. So there are some problems there.
Georgia (5): Once there was a girl who sold lemon juice. And people came by, not that often, and they pooped on her.